Introducing the New Baby to Your Toddler

Tina Feigal © 2012

To bring a baby into a toddler’s life is a crisis for the former king or queen of the house.  To leap over his or her feelings and just try to introduce a baby, expecting harmony, is not realistic or wise.  Imagine your husband or wife saying, “I’m going to get a new spouse.  It’s going to come soon, will be helpless, and a lot cuter than you, because she’s smaller.  Other people will greet the little new spouse with joy and delight, and sort of give you a passing glance.  Or worse, they’ll ask you if you like the new spouse, and fully expect you to show how happy you are that this intruder has arrived to take up your parents’ time and energy, so there’s less for you.”

See what I mean?  It’s a huge thing for many children to have a sibling enter their world. And it’s also very good.  They learn that they do share their parents with someone else, which is a very helpful lesson for the future.

To introduce the baby to a toddler, include the toddler in your talk about the baby, encouraging touch of mommy’s belly, talking to the baby (yes, he or she will find that little voice familiar and pleasant after the birth), and read picture books about the new baby.  Show the toddler where the baby will sleep, what clothes the baby will wear, and how he can help.  Making a helper out of your toddler goes a LONG way toward helping him adjust.  Whenever anyone, even an adult, feels fearful, the best way to overcome it is to have a role to play to protect others.  It’s the same for toddlers.  If you say, “Your baby will need your help when he comes.  I’ll have to ask you to grab a diaper or get me the pacifier.  I am going to love having your help, because when you were a baby, I didn’t have a big brother or sister to help out.  When the baby gets older, you’ll be teaching him everything you already know.  You will always be the oldest kid, so you’ll have a lot to teach!”

Your toddler is VERY curious about every aspect of your new baby, in the same way that she’s curious about everything else. Encourage the curiosity, rather than forbid exploring the baby.  Saying, “Don’t get too close,” sends the wrong message.  Saying, “You love seeing her fingers and toes, don’t you? Let’s count them!” sends the message that you have a positive view of your older child’s perspective, which prevents and/or softens rivalry. If the touching is invasive or too rough, teach gentle touch directly, saying, “This is how we do it gently.  Thank you for being so gentle.  The baby loves that!”

For young toddlers, when you hold the baby, also hold the toddler.  That’s why parents have two arms and two legs, a lap big enough for everyone.  Invite the toddler for holding even when he doesn’t ask for it.  This says, “You are still very important in my world, and I want you near me.” If you give the opposite message, “You need to grow up now because my attention has to be on the baby,” you are in for rivalry.

Have definite conversations, saying, “It might seem that since we have a new baby, I only love her, and not you. (Concrete concepts for concrete thinkers, which toddlers are.)  But of course I still love you as much as I ever did!  Love gets bigger when a new child comes, and now the love in our family is bigger than the whole world!

If the older child is melting down, don’t make it about the baby.  It’s just his or her internal need to have something he or she can’t have, which would be happening regardless.  Also, EXPECT a bit more melting down than usual when the new baby arrives, and you won’t be surprised by it.  React with calm and reassuring words, and the meltdowns will subside.  If you overreact, you reward them, and they stay a lot longer.  If there’s a long tantrum, simply whisper, “Would you like to calm down now, or would you like to keep crying?”  Whispering is highly effective, as the child has to stop to hear what you’re saying.  Giving this in the form of a question puts the disempowered child in a place of decision-making and appropriate power.  The more appropriate power he or she has, the less inappropriate power he or she will seek.

Follow your toddler’s lead on interacting with the baby and don’t push “love” on him.  The love will likely bubble to the surface on its own, and then you can react to it with heartfelt appreciation.  Make it normal and delightful that your older child loves the younger one.  Don’t expect perfection, and you will have a happy experience introducing the new baby to your toddler.

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What to Give Your Child for the Holidays

by Tina Feigal © 2011

This holiday season, I’m encouraging you to give your child a different kind of gift than the one you visualized when you read this article’s title.

Each year, kids are excited about the gifts they will receive.  Visions of XBOX 360s, Wii’s, iPhones, skis, dolls, trucks, stuffed animals, Legos, and a variety of other gifts float through their heads.  After the holiday, the gifts often lose some of their allure, and kids are back to saying, “I’m bored.” So let’s focus instead on a gift that keeps on giving.

I’m going to suggest that you give your child a sense of himself as a needed person for a gift this year.  It’s something that doesn’t come to most adults during the annual holiday buying frenzy, but it’s a gift that will keep on giving for a lifetime.  So stop for a few minutes and think of ways you can set your child up for feeling really valued, cared for, and yes, generous, during this holiday season.  After all, isn’t that what we all want?  Kids with a strong sense of their place in the world as contributors?  You have the power in this special time of year to create a kid with a true sense of purpose, something he or she will remember for years to come.

To create a success around being needed, take your child into your confidence around a gift you are thinking of giving his sibling.  Ask, “Do you think she’d like the red sweater or this cute skirt better?”  Then take your child’s advice.  It’s more important to build a giving spirit than to get the perfect gift.

Ask what he thinks he’d like to give his sister, and then offer to help him get it if he’s too young to have his own money. Give him heartfelt appreciation when he makes a selection, and talk up his gift before it’s opened.  Say, “I love how thoughtfully you chose this for Samantha. I think she’s gonna love it.”

Let your kids see you giving to people outside the family who may be in need.  If you are donating toys, don’t just take care of it when they kids are in school, but include them in the selection and the dropping off at the collection site.  This way they feel part of something bigger than the immediate family, and remember how fortunate they are.  Or if there’s a needy family in your faith community, be sure your kids contribute some of their allowance to participate in the family’s giving efforts. If you want grateful, generous kids, put more of your effort into fostering their gratitude and generosity than into trying to please them.

Giving doesn’t have to be material.  If you see an opportunity for your child to push the ottoman closer to grandpa’s chair, give him the gift of quietly suggesting he do so.  If you see him spontaneously sharing his time with a younger cousin, be sure he hears how much you admire that.  If she works hard to maintain a good mood when in a crowd of people, give her positive feedback so she sees what you see, a child who makes an effort for others.

The chances to give your child kudos abound at holiday time.  Plan now to tap the present moment to focus on them, and watch him “glow” with a strong sense of his own strength as a giving person.  The benefits are immeasurable, and everyone receives them!

For parent coaching on what to give your child for the holidays or any other topic, contact Tina Feigal at 651-453-0123 or email tina@parentingmojo.com.

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Tantrums in Public: Every Parent’s Nightmare

by Tina Feigal Copyright © 2011

We have all been there, or at least those of us who are lucky enough to have fire-cracker kids. We take a quick trip to the store for just a few items, and are sidelined by our child’s complete melt-down in the marshmallow aisle. Other adults are displaying looks that say, “Why can’t she control her child?” or “Look at how he acts when he doesn’t get his way! Must be pretty spoiled at home!” The embarrassment is beyond what we bargained for, and the judgment makes us plain angry.

Here are some tips for avoiding tantrums in public:
1. Take note of whether your child is tired or has low blood sugar. Do not take him out if he is tired, and give him a snack if he’s hungry. To expose a tired or hungry child to a crowd of people, coupled with a great deal of visual stimulation, is just asking for a tantrum.
2. If you are already out with a tired child, simply, unemotionally, go home. There is no substitute for rest when a child needs it, so avoid getting into, “I think she can make it through one more errand” mentality. I don’t need to tell you that this is when things typically fall apart and tantrums result.
3. Rehearse the desired behavior with your child in advance. Role play “going to the grocery store” when it’s not time to go. Your child has a much better chance of complying if you do.
4. Give heartfelt appreciation for every good behavior on the way to the store. “Wow, you got into the car so nicely. I love that!”
5. When your child shows interest in an item in the store, or an activity in the park, avoid saying “no”. Instead, listen deeply to the child’s desire for the item or activity. Say, “Wow, you have a great eye for special dollhouses! It is a wonderful one.” You have just acknowledged and affirmed the child’s desire, but not given in to the urge to take it home. The child needs to be heard deeply, but not indulged with every item she wants.

With these five tips, you have taken the child’s fatigue level into account to avoid a disaster, rehearsed desired behavior to assure success, grown good behavior with heartfelt appreciation, and listened deeply to your child. Tantrums are not necessarily inevitable. With your concentrated attention, many can be averted before they ever happen. Need parent coaching?  Click here.  You can make trips away from home happy, successful, and free of tantrums.

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MOM’S NIGHT OUT

WHEN:  A night of your choosing

WHERE:  Your living room

WHO:  You and your girlfriends

WHAT:  Good food, delightful company and lively conversation about what it takes
to be successful at the most important job in the world – being a mom

WHY:  Because every mom can use some tips, encouragement and support when it comes to raising their kids

Spend an evening with friends swapping stories, sharing challenges and learning strategies that really work. 

  $20 per person includes 2 hours with a certified parent coach, individualized Q&A and dessert!

  Interested in hosting a night out for you and your friends?  Email erin@parentingmojo.com or call 651.453.0123.

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I’m Actually Afraid of This Kid

Parents have occasionally, with understandable reluctance, shared with me that they are afraid of their own kid.  Teachers have also confessed that they struggle with fear of certain children.  What’s happening when adults are frightened in the presence of children whose behavior has that scary aspect, even when it’s not Halloween?  Scary children have lost a great deal of their self-efficacy (the feeling of power over their own world)  and developed scary behaviors as a defense.  In other words, scary kids are scared.

Here are three ways in which we can replace our own fear with compassion, communicate gentleness instead of fear, and improve the relationship between adult and child.

First, kids who adapt to their world by scaring others have learned that it’s a scary world, either because of maltreatment or because of their own internal sensitivity.  Extra-sensitive kids, who are taking the world in through their senses much more “loudly” than the average child, have to defend themselves against the sensory onslaught they are experiencing.  Becoming scary feels like a good defense against the unpredictable overload of sight, sound, smell, taste, tactile or interpersonal input (or sometimes many of these at once.)  To help these kids, develop a sensitivity in yourself for what they are experiencing, and address the overload, rather than the behavior.  Say, “It seems like this place is too loud for you, so let’s get out of here.”  Being seen this way heals the heart of the child, eliminating the need for his defense against the world, i.e. less scariness and more cooperation.

Another way of helping the child who is overloaded by sensory input is to seek the help of an occupational therapist, who can build up the child’s ability to integrate what his senses are telling him.  When he can integrate the messages, he has less need to defend himself against them.

If the source of the scary behavior is maltreatment of the child, do everything you can to remove the child from the situation where the maltreatment occurs.  That could be actually moving the child, or it could mean teaching the abusive adult how to interact in a healthy way. Parent coaching can accomplish this.  Don’t wait another day, as each experience of emotional or physical abuse takes its toll on the child, no matter what age.

Second, work extra hard to control your own emotions in the presence of your child.  Kids only see what they see, a yelling, ordering, impatient adult.  They have no idea that you are merely mirroring the methods of your parents because you don’t have another way of dealing with them.  Or if your behavior is due to stress, realize that the kids don’t have the perspective to empathize with you.  If you need empathy and compassion to calm yourself down, find it through a close friend or counselor.  Do not expect kids to understand that you are having a hard time.  Empathy doesn’t develop until later in life, so please don’t expect it from your child.  Be the adult, take care of yourself, and don’t blame the scary child.  Remember, if he’s scary, he’s scared.

Third, comfort your scared child by seeing past the behavior and getting to the root of his fear.  He may be intelligent beyond his years, and taking in way more information than he can handle.  Focus in the present moment on what might be frightening your child by asking what the fear might be:  “Could it be that you are afraid of the other kids on the bus? If so, I can talk to the school and get that resolved.”  “Could it be that you are afraid that your dad or I might die because you see grandpa suffering with cancer?  I sure understand that, and please know that I’m doing everything I can to keep myself healthy for you.”  “Could it be that you’re worried that I’ll get in an accident when I go to the store?  How about if I call you when I arrive, so you know I’m safe?” “Could it be that you are afraid of the change in school?  I will call the teacher and we’ll make a plan to help you feel safe.”

If a child feels secure, has some sense of control of his world, and is assured about the future, there’s no need to defend himself with scary behavior.  As his adult guide, focus on what he needs to reach the state of calm, and the positive behavior will naturally follow.

If you “feel afraid of this kid”, and would like help with reducing the fear in your home or classroom, call or write to Tina Feigal at 651-453-0123 or tina@parentingmojo.com.

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Don’t Solve the Behavior Problem.

Solve the Real Problem.

Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed.
Copyright © 2011 Tina Feigal

Every day parents call me about their children’s behavior: “He bit the teacher at daycare.” “She won’t go to bed without manipulating every possible angle to stay up.” “He’s trying to get me to buy a cell phone and I think he’s too young. But wow, does he know how to wear me down!”

Of course, this is what I hear … I am, after all, a parent coach! I actually WANT people to tell me what’s happening with their kids, so I can help them resolve it.

But what I find interesting is that we as adults focus on the behavior, not the underlying cause. The behavior is always just the tip of the proverbial ice berg, just an indicator of something big going on underneath. When parents and teachers focus on the ice berg tip, they feel as if they have good reasons: “He’s being so disrespectful and it has to stop.” “I can’t let him just get away with talking to me (or hitting me or biting someone) like that.” The desire to stop the behavior, and stop it now for once and for all, seems overwhelmingly urgent because parents and teachers feel judged if the child in their care misbehaves. They want to get along, not fight with their kids. And they feel responsible for fixing it immediately.

Here’s where we get into trouble: we cannot make someone stop their behavior … a harsh reality, but it’s really true. From the smallest child to the oldest adult, the internal urge to behave, however badly, usually overrides the desire of someone else who wants them to stop it. So the only answer is to dig underneath to the huge slab of ice below the water and see what’s causing the tip.

It takes some time and development of skills to “read” a child to determine what underlying causes of behavior are being expressed. Mostly we’re in too much of a hurry to take this time, but when the pain gets bad enough, I find parents are very willing to spend it on finding true solutions. I am always impressed by how willing they are!

Here are a few tips on figuring out the underlying cause of behavior, so you can resolve it instead of the behavior itself:

1. “He bit the teacher.” This is a child who does not respond well to being touched when the teacher wants him “over here.” She inadvertently sparks a big response when she takes his shoulders to reposition him. Ice berg tip: He bit the teacher. Underlying cause: extreme sensitivity to touch by people who are not well-known to the child. Solution: respect his need to be told verbally what’s expected, and refrain from moving him physically. End of “bad behavior.”

2. “She won’t go to bed without manipulating every possible angle to stay up.” Ice berg tip: She delays bedtime so late that she’s missing sleep and frustrating the whole family. Underlying cause: originally, it was fear of scary things in the dark created by her very active imagination. Now it’s more of a game to see how much energy match her brain can get from her parents (although this is unconscious, it’s true. She shouldn’t be blamed, just redirected.) Solution: engage her in a conversation when it’s not bedtime, so she can hear you. Have her create a chart of the bedtime routine made of photos of herself doing each task. Rehearse bedtime so she gets a map in her brain for how it can look to go to bed without delays, arguments, nagging, and tears. Break the habit of the brain’s energy match by refusing to give emotional energy to her bedtime. Have her consult her chart, complete the tasks, and express how you are looking forward to reading a book when she’s all ready.

3. “He’s trying to get me to buy a cell phone and I think he’s too young. But wow, does he know how to wear me down!” Talk about this at a family meeting, not when your child is begging for a phone (no energy match for arguing about having one.) Give your child the benefit of trust and ask his good reasons for wanting a phone. Listen completely. Say, “Thank you for telling me those good points! Now, if you will allow me a bit to talk about it, I’d like to share how I feel.” After being respectfully heard, he’s willing to listen to you, too. Talk about the responsibility of having a phone: you pay money, you use it at appropriate times, you make sure people you don’t know have no access to your number, and you use it appropriately (repeated for emphasis.) That means you only call close friends and family, you only use it until 8 p.m., you never use it at school, you keep track of it so it doesn’t get lost, and you keep your calls to 15 minutes or less. No gabbing for hours, as each minute costs money. Ask, “Are you able to pay for the phone at this time?” And then go through each point, asking respectful questions. At the end of the discussion, if he’s not able to fulfill the requirements, assure your child that when he is old enough to pay for and manage the phone, he can certainly have one.

All of this takes thoughtful consideration on the part of parents, which means time and effort. It’s time SO well spent, as your certainty about limits and respectful approach pay off in lack of melt-downs and upset in the future. If you’d like help, let me know. Phone, Skype and In-person coaching are all options for learning these ways of approaching kids’ “ice berg tips” that are creating chaos in your home or school. To learn more about coaching, click here.

Parenting Mojo - Help for Difficult Child Behavior - Help for difficult child behavior, from toddler tantrums to teen behavior problems

To read Trae Bodge’s article where she interviewed

Tina Feigal on Technology-free Play, click here.

Parenting Mojo - Help for Difficult Child Behavior - Help for difficult child behavior, from toddler tantrums to teen behavior problems

To read the article to which I contributed on eHow

Parenting on “How to Have a Nightmare-Free

Halloween”, click here!

Parenting Mojo - Help for Difficult Child Behavior - Help for difficult child behavior, from toddler tantrums to teen behavior problems

Beating the Back-to-School Blues

Copyright © 2011 Tina Feigal  

Is your child worried about starting school, saying she doesn’t want to go, and resisting your efforts to calm her fears? As the beginning of the school year approaches, here are some powerful suggestions for smoothing your child’s path to a new academic year.

“The most helpful thing you can do is to casually let your child know that you are comfortable with the start of the school year, you think of it as routine, and you are there for him as he makes the transition. If you think of it as a crisis, so will your child.

Use these seven tips to help you and your child prepare for the upcoming school year.

1. Listen deeply to your child. Reflect how he feels back to him in clear words. When fears start to arise, make eye contact, showing that you really care and say, “I can tell you are worried about the kids on the bus being bullies.” Then end the conversation. It is amazing how just calmly acknowledging the fear helps it to dissipate.

2. Regulate bedtime now. Too many children start the school year exhausted because they adjust their summer “staying-up-late” schedule to “early rising” the day before school starts. Instead, institute a routine of 8 p.m. bedtime and 7 a.m. rising one week in advance. Even though it is still light out at 8, kids need their sleep so badly that it’s in their best interests to do this so that they have adjusted and are ready for the challenges of a new school year. This is vitally important particularly when the child is changing schools.

3. Read books about going back to school with young children. David Goes Back to School by David Shannon is an example of an excellent picture book for children ages 4-7. Audrey Penn’s The Kissing Hand, published by the Child Welfare League of America, is just the right book for any child taking that fledgling plunge into preschool–or for any youngster who is temporarily separated from home or loved ones. Many more resources are available through online book stores.

4. Develop a plan for the first day of school. You may even want to set out clothes and backpacks to rehearse the school morning, so that kids can predict exactly how it will go. This will reduce anxiety for everyone, including parents. Being able to adjust your routine to fit your needs when there is no time stress is a perfect way to get off on the right foot.

5. Encourage your child to think of solutions. If your son has repeated a fear to you several times in the past week, resist the temptation to reassure him with “truths” such as,

“The teacher will like you. Don’t worry about that,” or

“You will know how to find your bus. The monitor will help you,” or

“Of course you are smart enough to go to fourth grade!”

Often the child gets little real comfort from this type of statement. If he has a substantial amount of fear, his mind will go immediately to an argument for almost anything you say. Instead, ask “How?”

“How do you think the teacher will get to know you?”

“How do you think kids find their buses on the first day?”

“How do you think the work in fourth grade compares to the work in third grade? Do you think there will be any review from last year?”

This way the child learns to think, rather than just get enveloped in fear. And when he comes up with his own thoughts about the fearful situation, he can accept them better … no need to argue!

6. Place trust in your child. When driving in the car or at bedtime, say, “I was just thinking of all the ways I trust you. You are so good with your little sister, and I am so proud of that. You play with the dog so nicely, and you are such a good master to her. You can tell she trusts you, too. I can trust you to respond when I call you in from outside. You are just a trustworthy person!” This plants the seed for self-trust in your child, which is vital to adjusting to the new school year. No need to talk directly about school. Simply planting the message of trustworthiness is enough.  It also staves off resistance to your encouragement.  No more, “Dad, I KNOW!  You don’t have to keep telling me!”

7. Tell stories of your own school experiences. As adults we often forget to share our childhood tales with our own kids. They think we can’t understand them, because we are big and they are little. It’s so helpful to remind our children that we were kids once, too. It increases our credibility to show them that we have experience, and that we have overcome obstacles. So share the stories of your success with challenging situations, so kids realize they are not the only ones who face these things. A sense of camaraderie with one’s parents is a wonderful family-builder!

If you could use Tina’s support as you help your child adjust to school, call 651-453-0123 or e-mail Tinatoday to set up an appointment!

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Kids Want Brand Name Clothes?

From the Santa Barbara Independent newspaper, July 21, 2011
by Starshine Roshell

The Brand Canyon: What To Do When Your Kids Want Brand Name Clothing

Do you love buying shoes? Are you someone for whom shoe-shopping begets a Zennish euphoria? Yes?

Here’s some advice for you: Don’t do it with a 12-year-old.

My 8th-grade–bound son has long coveted classic Converse low-tops. Last week, we found a pair of lookalikes on sale for $15. Sweet! “We’ll take ‘em,” I bellowed, relishing the rare and unparalleled near-delirium of buying fabulous shoes at ridiculous prices.

“Um,” my son muttered sheepishly, staring at another pair of shoes: The Converse brand. All Star Chuck Taylors. Same color. Same style. Forty-five bleepin’ bucks. “I’d rather have the real ones.”

In my mind, I said this: “Well, I’d rather have a ‘57 Chevy Bel Air convertible, yet somehow we’re leaving here in a dinged-up Honda.” But sensing that we were heading into tricky parenting territory, I uttered this instead: “But … they cost three times as much.”

“Yeah,” he said, forcing himself to meet my puzzled gaze.

“And they look … exactly the same.”

“Not exactly,” he explained. “These have a label.”

I had several problems with this situation. First, when pressed, my normally articulate child could not put into words why the brand mattered so much. His stuttered attempt contained the phrases: “important to me,” “make fun,” and, of course, “cool.”

I have specific words for people who would spend the cost of an annual subscription to both The Atlantic and Vanity Fair on sneakers that will be dragged from moving skateboards and will become too small for their wearer within four months. “Cool” is not one of those words.

But looking into my son’s almost-apologetic face, I suddenly remembered what it felt like to be, well, in his shoes. The brands were Izod, Guess, and Vans back then (dear god, do you remember LeSportsac?), but the desperation for “cool” was the same. The urgent desire to identify with a tribe, to demonstrate an understanding of what’s “right now,” to be conversant in the shorthand of a subculture, and to collect—and just as quickly discard—each of its brief badges of coolness.

As a parent, though, I wasn’t sure whether this was one of those moments wherein I should be the “supportive” mom (“Sure, honey, I know how important it is to fit in. Let me just cancel my dentist appointment next week so we can pay for these …”) or the “instructive” mom (“Let’s take a reality-check stroll outside and have a good look at the homeless fellow on the corner. Notice he has no shoes whatsoever.”) I don’t like either of those moms.

Psychologist John Duffy, author of The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens, says there’s a better way to handle label cravers: Give them the opportunity to buy the stuff themselves.

“I encourage parents with brand-lusting kids to get their child truly invested, if that’s what they want,” he says. “For instance, ‘Yes, you can absolutely have that … Abercrombie shirt. Just let me know how you plan to pay for it.’”

Parenting coach Tina Feigal, who’s raised three brand-conscious boys, advises giving kids a clothing budget and letting them make their own decisions about how to spend it—without interjecting our opinions along the way.

“If they still want something and the money is gone, that’s excellent learning,” she says. “Don’t rob them of it by advancing their allowance.”

I got lucky with my son this time. He settled for the $15 knockoffs because after all our back-and-forth, they didn’t have the real Converse in his size and he didn’t want to leave with nothing. So parents, add this tidbit to your toolbox for handling brand-smitten kids: There’s only one thing more repellent to the adolescent brain than frugal spending habits; it’s delayed gratification.

Starshine Roshell is the author of Wife on the Edge.

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