Finding a better way to get positive behaviors by acknowledging the real reasons for them. "It Was Never Your Fault"

These are some of the most powerful words I use in coaching parents.  "It was never your fault," carries a healing message to children that releases them from undeserved guilt.  When children are free of guilt, they're learning, listening, and functioning well.  

When parents are also freed from guilt, they, too, learn, listen and function well. That's my aim, to help you, as a parent release guilt that you never deserved.  

"How does that work?" you might wonder.  I offer parents forgiveness because I truly believe you/they have always been doing what you knew how to do. When my kids were young, I made a lot of mistakes. If I'd had a parent coach back then, I would have loved guidance and forgiveness from a trusted professional. I think it would have made all the difference. Now that that ship has sailed, I feel privileged to be able to lead parents through Present Moment Parenting in a way I never was. I feel honored to say, "You did your best. It was never your fault when things didn't go well."  

And for kids, it's the same. There's not a child in the world who doesn't want to be in close connection with their parents. After all, parents are their survival, so it makes sense that they would strive to maintain the bond. But their emotional state, undeveloped as it is, prevents them from making the bond stronger. They falter, they have meltdowns, they make their parents feel frustrated and angry. 

As the adults, it's our job to realize they never intended this disruption in the closeness with us. They just lacked the brain development to control their outbursts, their refusals, and their nasty words. Once we realize that undeveloped brains is the issue, and not bratty, controlling, impossible kid, we're miles ahead of the game of healing the break between ourselves and our children.  

So, what's the first step? Changing our automatic reaction to defiance from one of upset and consequences to one of understanding, calm, and listening to the underlying emotion. When we can do that, our kids feel seen, heard, felt, safe. And from there, we can gain their cooperation.  

Recently I heard a quote from a parent that went: "Once I dropped the parent role and focused on strengthening our relationship, everything got better."  That to me, is gold.  

What do kids need? A loving, accepting, guiding presence. This enables them to learn, follow, and emulate their parents' behavior, especially forgiveness.  

If you'd like more information on how parent coaching works, click here. I'd love to help you form that strong, healing bond with your children that reduces defiance, strengthens your relationship, and brings peace to your home. 

To read or listen to my book, click here: Present Moment Parenting; The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child. 

Fourteen Questions for Parents

Posted: February 7, 2019

Directions:  On a five-point scale, with “5” as extremely satisfied and “1” is extremely dissatisfied, how satisfied are you with your own parenting?

  1. I know what is expected of me as a parent.                                 1   2   3   4   5

 

  1. I have the knowledge and skills I need to parent my children.                   1   2   3   4   5

 

  1. I have the opportunity to parent my children well every day.                     1   2   3   4   5

 

  1. In the last seven days, I received recognition for my parenting.                 1   2   3   4   5

 

  1. Someone seems to care about me as a parent.                                                 1   2   3   4   5

 

  1. There is someone who encourages my growth as a parent.                           1   2   3   4   5

 

  1. My opinions as a parent seem to count.                                                             1   2   3   4   5

 

  1. I feel my parenting is an important contribution to the family.                    1   2   3   4   5

 

  1. My extended family/spouse/partner are doing a good job with parenting. 1   2   3   4   5

 

  1. I have a best friend to confide in in the world of parenting.                            1   2   3   4   5

 

  1. In the last six months, someone else has discussed my parenting progress. 1   2   3   4   5

 

  1. This last year, I have had opportunities to grow as a parent.                            1   2   3   4   5

 

  1. My children have reflected my positive parenting in the last week.                1   2   3   4   5

 

  1. I feel my parenting is fine, and that I don’t need assistance.                             1   2   3   4   5

 

How did you like your score?  Is your parenting where you want it to be?

Call Tina Feigal at 651-453-0123 or email tina@parentingmojo.com for a free 20-minute consultation on your results.

*Questionnaire adapted for parents from Gallup’s 12 Questions for Employee Engagement.

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