Finding a better way to get positive behaviors by acknowledging the real reasons for them. "It Was Never Your Fault"
These are some of the most powerful words I use in coaching parents. "It was never your fault," carries a healing message to children that releases them from undeserved guilt. When children are free of guilt, they're learning, listening, and functioning well.When parents are also freed from guilt, they, too, learn, listen and function well. That's my aim, to help you, as a parent release guilt that you never deserved.
"How does that work?" you might wonder. I offer parents forgiveness because I truly believe you/they have always been doing what you knew how to do. When my kids were young, I made a lot of mistakes. If I'd had a parent coach back then, I would have loved guidance and forgiveness from a trusted professional. I think it would have made all the difference. Now that that ship has sailed, I feel privileged to be able to lead parents through Present Moment Parenting in a way I never was. I feel honored to say, "You did your best. It was never your fault when things didn't go well."
And for kids, it's the same. There's not a child in the world who doesn't want to be in close connection with their parents. After all, parents are their survival, so it makes sense that they would strive to maintain the bond. But their emotional state, undeveloped as it is, prevents them from making the bond stronger. They falter, they have meltdowns, they make their parents feel frustrated and angry.
As the adults, it's our job to realize they never intended this disruption in the closeness with us. They just lacked the brain development to control their outbursts, their refusals, and their nasty words. Once we realize that undeveloped brains is the issue, and not bratty, controlling, impossible kid, we're miles ahead of the game of healing the break between ourselves and our children.
So, what's the first step? Changing our automatic reaction to defiance from one of upset and consequences to one of understanding, calm, and listening to the underlying emotion. When we can do that, our kids feel seen, heard, felt, safe. And from there, we can gain their cooperation.
Recently I heard a quote from a parent that went: "Once I dropped the parent role and focused on strengthening our relationship, everything got better." That to me, is gold.
What do kids need? A loving, accepting, guiding presence. This enables them to learn, follow, and emulate their parents' behavior, especially forgiveness.
If you'd like more information on how parent coaching works, click here. I'd love to help you form that strong, healing bond with your children that reduces defiance, strengthens your relationship, and brings peace to your home.
To read or listen to my book, click here:
Present Moment Parenting; The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child. Are You Feeling Like an Awful Parent?
Posted: May 31, 2019
Are You Feeling Like an Awful Parent?
Tina Feigal, MS., Ed. , Copyright © 2019 Anu Family Services/Center for the Challenging ChildEvery day when I coach parents, I hear, "I feel like an awful parent." I never believe this statement, because I don't feel like anyone is being an awful parent, at least not on purpose. Present Moment Parenting has 10 tenets, or values/beliefs. Tenet #10 is "Parents are doing the best they can with the tools they have."
The way nasty failure feelings sneak into your life might be that you know you're doing the best you can with the tools you have, but you're just at a loss to figure out how to change what you're doing. You've tried yelling, becoming silent, punishing, pleading, bribing, cajoling and any number of other tactics to get better behavior from your child. Nothing seems to have a lasting effect, and the frustration is overwhelming. All you want is a peaceful home life, and why should that be so hard? You see other families looking all happy on social media or at the park or soccer field, and wonder, "What's their magic? Why don't I have this?"
These are some possibilities:
1. No one taught you how to be a parent (society's major oversight.)
2. You have a child with ADHD, giftedness, autism, trauma or another situation that makes parenting much more challenging than what you see in the kids at the park.
3. Your child is very emotionally sensitive, and maybe also has sensory processing issues (hard for him to integrate noises, light, tastes, touch or smells.)
4. You think punishment should work because that's how you learned to behave as a child.
5. You had a traumatic childhood and it's a mystery to you how to deal with meltdowns, defiance and refusal. You just want to hide.
Every parent on the earth has some ways in which they are "awful" to their kids at times, myself included. I grew up without effective parenting at almost every level, and believe me, I had to make a concerted effort to figure out how to help my kids feel loved and guided. I went to counseling and Adult Children of Alcoholics groups, journaled, prayed, and surrendered a lot. My oldest and youngest are 10 years apart in age, so I was at this parenting thing for a long, long time. I'm still at it, even though my 3 sons are all grown.
I'm saying this because I want you to know there's no judgment on you, from someone who's been there. I'm also saying it because there's a mountain of hope for your parenting to do what mine has done ... improve over time. My grandchildren are as spunky and intense as my kids were, so I find ways to grow with them every day, too. Kids and parents are always in process, and there's no such thing as "perfect." But there's always love and a desire to connect, which keeps us going to the next horizon.
This week I heard two separate parents use the word "hope" during coaching sessions. Just a few weeks ago, they came to me with major frustration and little hope for improvement in their relationships with their children. I told them that as a parent coach, "hope" is my favorite word. It shows that my clients are seeing a different, more effective way to parent their children. They're happier and more in control, and so are the kids. They're connected in a new way, which is everything.
If you want to stop feeling "awful" and start to experience hope around your parenting, I'm here for you. Click here for all the info you need. If I missed something, email me to get your questions answered. Don't delay. You deserve to be happy.
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SUBMITI See You Letter
“I See You” Letter
Another tool for helping a child with a traumatized brain, or any child who is asking for attention by showing unwanted behavior, is an “I see you” letter. When something is put into writing, it weighs more. The child can read the message without having to hear the adult’s voice, which is more effective because adult voices have sometimes not proven trustworthy in the past. I encourage caregivers to write the letter in a notebook, so the child can write back, if she so chooses, and review the letter at any time. The re-reading can be very healing. When I’ve encouraged other adults to write this type of letter, they’ve told me that they’ve found it later, stashed in a drawer or other safe spot, but never thrown away, which speaks to its significance to the child.
You can write a letter to a child of any age. If she is old enough to read, just leave it on her pillow. If not, write it out and read it slowly, then hand it to her.
If the child is so hurt that listening to you read a letter is too much, try posting notes that say what you see in her all over her room. Use the components below to craft your letter or your notes.
The components of the “I See You Letter” are:
- I see what you've been through (in details that are significant to her, maybe just the things you know she remembers). You may want to add, "And other things, too, that we haven't talked about." This could spark a response where she shares more.
- In light of your experiences, I realize that none of your recent behavior is your fault. You were just trying to express your pain.
- I'm sorry I blamed you when I just didn't realize that your behavior was your pain being expressed.
- Together we'll work on making it better, and here's how: ______
An example:
Dear Ana,
I just wanted to tell you what I see when I look at you. I see a kid who has had some very rough experiences. When you were younger, your adults did not do what they needed to do to keep you safe. No child should have this happen, as every child deserves and needs to be kept safe. Your mom left you with people who hurt you, and your dad left without saying why. That must hurt so much. I want you to know that this was never, ever your fault. You were an innocent child.
I see a kid who is sensitive and smart. I see a kid who is amazing at figuring out other people. I so appreciate hearing you express what you know long before others your age can do that. I see a kid with artistic ability, and one who cares deeply for our pets. When I watch you with younger children, I am so impressed with how tender you are.
I realize I have gotten angry with you and yelled when you were upset with me. I now get that you just felt threatened, and you did not mean to hurt my feelings or disrespect me. I’m sorry and I will try very hard not to yell in the future. If I make a mistake and yell (because we all make mistakes), I will apologize and have a do-over, because no one deserves to be yelled at.
If you feel like writing back to me in this notebook, that’s great. Feel very free to do so. If not, I’m fine with that, too. I’m just happy to be able to use this notebook to say what I want to tell you in writing.
I am so happy you are in my life. Thank you for all the gifts you give me, especially your smile.
Love,
Mom/Dad/Grandma/Grandpa/Other caregiver
I encourage adults not to ever mention the letter, nor to expect him to say he read it and liked it. For a traumatized child, this may be too much vulnerability. But what often happens is that adults notice a softening in their child, a better attitude, more affection, more focus, and more cooperation. That’s the goal of writing: to see the child clearly, communicate it, allow the amygdala to register that the child is seen and therefore will survive, watch the result in a much more relaxed and relieved child and in an improved relationship. I often describe this process as being “like physics,” as predictable as proven science. It’s truly remarkable how dramatic the results are! And when you think about it, the seeing is the tool for calming the threat alarm. No wonder the child can now function so much more rationally. The more rational front brain is able to work!