Finding a better way to get positive behaviors by acknowledging the real reasons for them. "It Was Never Your Fault"These are some of the most powerful words I use in coaching parents. "It was never your fault," carries a healing message to children that releases them from undeserved guilt. When children are free of guilt, they're learning, listening, and functioning well.
When parents are also freed from guilt, they, too, learn, listen and function well. That's my aim, to help you, as a parent release guilt that you never deserved.
"How does that work?" you might wonder. I offer parents forgiveness because I truly believe you/they have always been doing what you knew how to do. When my kids were young, I made a lot of mistakes. If I'd had a parent coach back then, I would have loved guidance and forgiveness from a trusted professional. I think it would have made all the difference. Now that that ship has sailed, I feel privileged to be able to lead parents through Present Moment Parenting in a way I never was. I feel honored to say, "You did your best. It was never your fault when things didn't go well."
And for kids, it's the same. There's not a child in the world who doesn't want to be in close connection with their parents. After all, parents are their survival, so it makes sense that they would strive to maintain the bond. But their emotional state, undeveloped as it is, prevents them from making the bond stronger. They falter, they have meltdowns, they make their parents feel frustrated and angry.
As the adults, it's our job to realize they never intended this disruption in the closeness with us. They just lacked the brain development to control their outbursts, their refusals, and their nasty words. Once we realize that undeveloped brains is the issue, and not bratty, controlling, impossible kid, we're miles ahead of the game of healing the break between ourselves and our children.
So, what's the first step? Changing our automatic reaction to defiance from one of upset and consequences to one of understanding, calm, and listening to the underlying emotion. When we can do that, our kids feel seen, heard, felt, safe. And from there, we can gain their cooperation.
Recently I heard a quote from a parent that went: "Once I dropped the parent role and focused on strengthening our relationship, everything got better." That to me, is gold.
What do kids need? A loving, accepting, guiding presence. This enables them to learn, follow, and emulate their parents' behavior, especially forgiveness.
If you'd like more information on how parent coaching works, click here. I'd love to help you form that strong, healing bond with your children that reduces defiance, strengthens your relationship, and brings peace to your home.
To read or listen to my book, click here: Present Moment Parenting; The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child.
What Help Can You Get from the Book "Present Moment Parenting"?
Posted: January 11, 2020
What help can you get from the book Present Moment Parenting: The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child?
It came to me the other day that I may not have written a good article on the benefits of my book, so today, in a calm moment after the holiday hoopla and with some quiet thinking time, here goes:
The main idea of Present Moment Parenting is that you have all the power you need to help your child with challenging behaviors right now. As The Power of Now author Eckhart Tolle put it: "Nothing has ever happened in the past. And nothing will ever happen in the future. Everything happens in the present moment."
It might be hard to imagine that we don't have to bring the past into our parenting. We've had all these experiences with our kids, like repeated refusals and melt-downs, that seem to "prove" that we need to be on guard for the next explosion. Present Moment Parenting helps parents to realize that if we don't want a replay of that last eruption, we can simply meet the child in the present, be curious about her emotional state, reflect the feelings she's having, and say goodbye to escalations. Too easy? Seems like it, but it works.
How about the future? If we let her get away with this willfulness now, won't she grow up to be spoiled and "entitled?" Funny how fearing the future feels like it protects us, but that's actually not helpful because no one can really predict it. We think we can, but how accurate are we when we do? Not so much, in general. So Present Moment Parenting shows the way to stay with the child in front of you right now, and to let go of the fear.
PMP is physiologically based. I've made up the term "physio-relational to describe this phenomenon. Maybe you haven't read a parenting book that discusses the effect of communication from parent to child on the child's body and how it affects the relationship. This book does that. It frees parents from the confusion of "why does she act that way?" by helping them realize it's all a physical response. When you know what to do to create a positive one, you're half-way to better behavior.
More important than "better behavior" is a stronger, more bonded relationship with the child. We know that the old way of behavior charts, grounding, sending children to their room, depriving them of electronics, threatening, and all the other consequences may only have a short-term effect. The physio-relational part comes into play here. To strengthen your relationship, provide communication that goes into the child's body to create a positive response of trust instead of "fight, flight or freeze." Increase those responses in the present moment minus the old fear, and you'll see a happier, more cooperative child. When the relationship feels safe and secure, the positive behavior follows naturally. It's amazing how the human spirit works this way! Emotionally safe and secure - that's a well-behaved kid, and you can create that.
Present Moment Parenting is available on Amazon for readers, and on Audible for those who love to listen.
I hope this has been helpful to you. If you have questions or want to know more about parent coaching for this or any other parenting issue, click here.
Here's to a future with your child that you may not have even imagined!
Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed., Parent Coach and Trainer
I See You Letter
“I See You” Letter
Another tool for helping a child with a traumatized brain, or any child who is asking for attention by showing unwanted behavior, is an “I see you” letter. When something is put into writing, it weighs more. The child can read the message without having to hear the adult’s voice, which is more effective because adult voices have sometimes not proven trustworthy in the past. I encourage caregivers to write the letter in a notebook, so the child can write back, if she so chooses, and review the letter at any time. The re-reading can be very healing. When I’ve encouraged other adults to write this type of letter, they’ve told me that they’ve found it later, stashed in a drawer or other safe spot, but never thrown away, which speaks to its significance to the child.
You can write a letter to a child of any age. If she is old enough to read, just leave it on her pillow. If not, write it out and read it slowly, then hand it to her.
If the child is so hurt that listening to you read a letter is too much, try posting notes that say what you see in her all over her room. Use the components below to craft your letter or your notes.
The components of the “I See You Letter” are:
- I see what you've been through (in details that are significant to her, maybe just the things you know she remembers). You may want to add, "And other things, too, that we haven't talked about." This could spark a response where she shares more.
- In light of your experiences, I realize that none of your recent behavior is your fault. You were just trying to express your pain.
- I'm sorry I blamed you when I just didn't realize that your behavior was your pain being expressed.
- Together we'll work on making it better, and here's how: ______
I just wanted to tell you what I see when I look at you. I see a kid who has had some very rough experiences. When you were younger, your adults did not do what they needed to do to keep you safe. No child should have this happen, as every child deserves and needs to be kept safe. Your mom left you with people who hurt you, and your dad left without saying why. That must hurt so much. I want you to know that this was never, ever your fault. You were an innocent child.
I see a kid who is sensitive and smart. I see a kid who is amazing at figuring out other people. I so appreciate hearing you express what you know long before others your age can do that. I see a kid with artistic ability, and one who cares deeply for our pets. When I watch you with younger children, I am so impressed with how tender you are.
I realize I have gotten angry with you and yelled when you were upset with me. I now get that you just felt threatened, and you did not mean to hurt my feelings or disrespect me. I’m sorry and I will try very hard not to yell in the future. If I make a mistake and yell (because we all make mistakes), I will apologize and have a do-over, because no one deserves to be yelled at.
If you feel like writing back to me in this notebook, that’s great. Feel very free to do so. If not, I’m fine with that, too. I’m just happy to be able to use this notebook to say what I want to tell you in writing.
I am so happy you are in my life. Thank you for all the gifts you give me, especially your smile.
I encourage adults not to ever mention the letter, nor to expect him to say he read it and liked it. For a traumatized child, this may be too much vulnerability. But what often happens is that adults notice a softening in their child, a better attitude, more affection, more focus, and more cooperation. That’s the goal of writing: to see the child clearly, communicate it, allow the amygdala to register that the child is seen and therefore will survive, watch the result in a much more relaxed and relieved child and in an improved relationship. I often describe this process as being “like physics,” as predictable as proven science. It’s truly remarkable how dramatic the results are! And when you think about it, the seeing is the tool for calming the threat alarm. No wonder the child can now function so much more rationally. The more rational front brain is able to work!