Finding a better way to get positive behaviors by acknowledging the real reasons for them. "It Was Never Your Fault"These are some of the most powerful words I use in coaching parents. "It was never your fault," carries a healing message to children that releases them from undeserved guilt. When children are free of guilt, they're learning, listening, and functioning well.
When parents are also freed from guilt, they, too, learn, listen and function well. That's my aim, to help you, as a parent release guilt that you never deserved.
"How does that work?" you might wonder. I offer parents forgiveness because I truly believe you/they have always been doing what you knew how to do. When my kids were young, I made a lot of mistakes. If I'd had a parent coach back then, I would have loved guidance and forgiveness from a trusted professional. I think it would have made all the difference. Now that that ship has sailed, I feel privileged to be able to lead parents through Present Moment Parenting in a way I never was. I feel honored to say, "You did your best. It was never your fault when things didn't go well."
And for kids, it's the same. There's not a child in the world who doesn't want to be in close connection with their parents. After all, parents are their survival, so it makes sense that they would strive to maintain the bond. But their emotional state, undeveloped as it is, prevents them from making the bond stronger. They falter, they have meltdowns, they make their parents feel frustrated and angry.
As the adults, it's our job to realize they never intended this disruption in the closeness with us. They just lacked the brain development to control their outbursts, their refusals, and their nasty words. Once we realize that undeveloped brains is the issue, and not bratty, controlling, impossible kid, we're miles ahead of the game of healing the break between ourselves and our children.
So, what's the first step? Changing our automatic reaction to defiance from one of upset and consequences to one of understanding, calm, and listening to the underlying emotion. When we can do that, our kids feel seen, heard, felt, safe. And from there, we can gain their cooperation.
Recently I heard a quote from a parent that went: "Once I dropped the parent role and focused on strengthening our relationship, everything got better." That to me, is gold.
What do kids need? A loving, accepting, guiding presence. This enables them to learn, follow, and emulate their parents' behavior, especially forgiveness.
If you'd like more information on how parent coaching works, click here. I'd love to help you form that strong, healing bond with your children that reduces defiance, strengthens your relationship, and brings peace to your home.
To read or listen to my book, click here: Present Moment Parenting; The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child.
A Great Mom’s Success Story About Her 9-Year-Old Son
Posted: February 7, 2019
Here is a testimonial for your website. I could write all day, but I’m guessing you want it short
I felt completely hopeless as I watched my 9 year olds behavior spiral out of control. He was aggressive and violent with me and his siblings, and he was defiant at every turn. The harder we disciplined and the louder we yelled, the worse his behavior became. We were certain if our child’s behavior continued down this path that he was headed for big trouble. We knew we had to make drastic changes to our parenting style because what we were doing was not working. I had read Tina’s book in the past, and I really believed in her message. My husband and I decided to invest in coaching sessions with her, and it has changed our family life drastically within a couple of months. Our son is no longer aggressive, and everyday we keep seeing more good behavior. I feel better about myself as a mother, and it has actually strengthened my relationship with my husband because we are working together now rather than against each other. Tina’s individualized coaching sessions gave us clear direction and a framework for how to handle challenging situations as they arose. Each session with Tina was life changing for me. I learned so much about myself, the kind of parent I want to be, and the kind of family life I want for my children. I would highly recommend Tina to anyone raising an intense child!
And the same day:
I just wanted to write you an email to let you know that after our conversation today, I spoke with my son tonight about his sense of purpose. I took your advice and told him how proud I am of him for thinking about how he can use his talents to make positive changes in this world, especially at such a young age. You should have seen his response, Tina. He was beaming with pride. You could see it in his eyes. He is softer, less anxious and just overall more content with being in his own skin right now. He came from a child ridden with doubt and fear, and filled with anxiety to the point where he was up until 2 in the morning, to a child who is kissing me good-night saying I am the best mommy in the world. There is much work to be done, and it is by no means perfect, but I now have hope and I can see that there is a way out of this. And that I have the power to change this. I thank you for sharing your wisdom. I may sound like a broken record today, but I can’t tell you how grateful I am that our paths have crossed. It is very possible that you may have saved my family. You should be very proud of the work that you do. It is truly life changing.