Finding a better way to get positive behaviors by acknowledging the real reasons for them. "It Was Never Your Fault"These are some of the most powerful words I use in coaching parents. "It was never your fault," carries a healing message to children that releases them from undeserved guilt. When children are free of guilt, they're learning, listening, and functioning well.
When parents are also freed from guilt, they, too, learn, listen and function well. That's my aim, to help you, as a parent release guilt that you never deserved.
"How does that work?" you might wonder. I offer parents forgiveness because I truly believe you/they have always been doing what you knew how to do. When my kids were young, I made a lot of mistakes. If I'd had a parent coach back then, I would have loved guidance and forgiveness from a trusted professional. I think it would have made all the difference. Now that that ship has sailed, I feel privileged to be able to lead parents through Present Moment Parenting in a way I never was. I feel honored to say, "You did your best. It was never your fault when things didn't go well."
And for kids, it's the same. There's not a child in the world who doesn't want to be in close connection with their parents. After all, parents are their survival, so it makes sense that they would strive to maintain the bond. But their emotional state, undeveloped as it is, prevents them from making the bond stronger. They falter, they have meltdowns, they make their parents feel frustrated and angry.
As the adults, it's our job to realize they never intended this disruption in the closeness with us. They just lacked the brain development to control their outbursts, their refusals, and their nasty words. Once we realize that undeveloped brains is the issue, and not bratty, controlling, impossible kid, we're miles ahead of the game of healing the break between ourselves and our children.
So, what's the first step? Changing our automatic reaction to defiance from one of upset and consequences to one of understanding, calm, and listening to the underlying emotion. When we can do that, our kids feel seen, heard, felt, safe. And from there, we can gain their cooperation.
Recently I heard a quote from a parent that went: "Once I dropped the parent role and focused on strengthening our relationship, everything got better." That to me, is gold.
What do kids need? A loving, accepting, guiding presence. This enables them to learn, follow, and emulate their parents' behavior, especially forgiveness.
If you'd like more information on how parent coaching works, click here. I'd love to help you form that strong, healing bond with your children that reduces defiance, strengthens your relationship, and brings peace to your home.
To read or listen to my book, click here: Present Moment Parenting; The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child.
From Rage to Peace – How Parent Coaching Helped Heal
Posted: February 7, 2019
In July, 2009, Kristin Benning was at the end of her rope. Since 18 months of age, her very intelligent 5-year-old son Julian had been aggressively hitting and kicking people, and throwing things during frequent explosive tantrums. Kristin had since given birth to daughter Erin, and was now very concerned that her 8-month-old was at risk of serious injury from her brother. In my mind, there’s nothing more agonizing than watching your beloved first-born son seriously hurt the vulnerable little daughter you also love with all your heart. On school days, Julian fought getting dressed so intensely that it took two adults to get his clothes on. Their pediatrician recommended that Julian have an evaluation by a psychologist.
When Kristin, her husband Tony, and I met for our first coaching appointment, I listened intently to their story, and considered numerous ways we could approach Julian’s behavior improvements. First, we needed to rule out hereditary issues. Was either Kristin or Tony an intense child? Not particularly. Then we needed to consider allergies, which can be the cause of aggressive behavior. Julian was allergic to milk. We then needed to consider sensory integration issues. Julian is sensitive to sounds, showing this by asking, “Will it be noisy?” whenever his parents planned a family-oriented event. He also showed tactile sensitivity by refusing to wear tight shirts and socks.
“I wanna hit Erin! I wanna kick the dog!” These were the comments from Kristin’s normally angelic-looking son. She described how his eyes changed as a cloud of fury crossed over his face when things were about to erupt, which scared her. The dog was afraid of him, too, and would hide whenever Julian entered the room. Kristin also reported that Julian refused to eat, and that the kitchen table was a battleground. Kristin worried that his behavior would worsen when his blood sugar got so low, a valid concern.
He was also “off” daddy, causing Tony to feel disconnected from his son and powerless to help his wife deal with Julian. To add to Tony and Kristin’s pain was the fact that Julian never acted out in preschool. The teachers reported that he was “wonderful to others.” Was this something she was causing by not knowing how to parent her child? Why did it only happen at home with Erin, Kristin and Tony? Kristin and Tony described Julian as “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” when recounting that he hurled candles, magazines, and even a knife when his rageful moods struck. Were they teaching him this behavior, and what horrible thoughts could people be thinking about them as parents?
After hearing the whole story, I made some recommendations for dealing with allergies, sensory integration disorder, and effective behavior interventions. We’ll deal with the last one here. I encouraged Kristin to ask questions whenever she needed Julian to do something at home, to use his great brain as a resource, and engage him in the way she’s thinking. She should ask, “What would help you to feel better when I drop you off at school?” Julian had very good ideas. He wanted to cuddle with his mom by the door on a specific bench. Being that Kristin had ceased to see this as “giving in” to Julian, she willingly did as he suggested. She was on the road to building a bridge to her son, rather than building a wall between them.
Fast forward to when Kristin and I met on the phone for our October 22 appointment. She was filled with success stories about Julian! She confessed, “I was mad at him for a year of my life. The last time we talked (three weeks prior) you didn’t say anything different, but something just clicked.” Tony had even told her, “Kristin, you’ve done a 180, and it has changed our whole household.” The improvement in their relationship is palpable. Now, he’s walking around the house saying, “I have love for daddy!” – a dramatic shift, one that Tony and Kristin both gratefully welcome. Instead of hitting and kicking, he messes things up when upset. Kristin can deal with that … at least no person or dog is getting hurt. We both agreed that it’s a much better way of expressing his feelings. Seeing her opportunity, Kristin gave Julian heartfelt appreciation for expressing his feelings in a way that keeps everyone safe.
We also acknowledged that at 5, Julian has plenty of growing up time ahead to refine his actions when angry. In parent coaching, we look for improvement, not perfection. Kristin and Tony have backed off on insisting that Julian eat his dinner. Following my advice, they simply put good food in front of him, enjoy their own food, and talk about their day, sharing their world with their son. He’s eating MORE, which relieves his parents’ fears about low blood sugar and the tantrums that used to ensue. The family plays board games after dinner now. Kristin has taken the “clinical parent” perspective,” commenting, “It’s amazing to see what he needs to do with his body as he plays.” She’s now observing and noting Julian’s needs, rather than judging, blaming and punishing him, or feeling guilty herself. The fights over getting dressed in the morning are gone. And even the dog will now sit with Julian without fear. “It used to be him and me against the world,” states Kristin. “Now I feel so much better.” After four months, the behavior issues Tony and Kristin dealt with are largely past, and the family can look forward with peace.
For help with your intense child, email email@example.com or call 651-453-0123.
Copyright © 2011 Tina Feigal