Finding a better way to get positive behaviors by acknowledging the real reasons for them. "It Was Never Your Fault"

These are some of the most powerful words I use in coaching parents.  "It was never your fault," carries a healing message to children that releases them from undeserved guilt.  When children are free of guilt, they're learning, listening, and functioning well.  

When parents are also freed from guilt, they, too, learn, listen and function well. That's my aim, to help you, as a parent release guilt that you never deserved.  

"How does that work?" you might wonder.  I offer parents forgiveness because I truly believe you/they have always been doing what you knew how to do. When my kids were young, I made a lot of mistakes. If I'd had a parent coach back then, I would have loved guidance and forgiveness from a trusted professional. I think it would have made all the difference. Now that that ship has sailed, I feel privileged to be able to lead parents through Present Moment Parenting in a way I never was. I feel honored to say, "You did your best. It was never your fault when things didn't go well."  

And for kids, it's the same. There's not a child in the world who doesn't want to be in close connection with their parents. After all, parents are their survival, so it makes sense that they would strive to maintain the bond. But their emotional state, undeveloped as it is, prevents them from making the bond stronger. They falter, they have meltdowns, they make their parents feel frustrated and angry. 

As the adults, it's our job to realize they never intended this disruption in the closeness with us. They just lacked the brain development to control their outbursts, their refusals, and their nasty words. Once we realize that undeveloped brains is the issue, and not bratty, controlling, impossible kid, we're miles ahead of the game of healing the break between ourselves and our children.  

So, what's the first step? Changing our automatic reaction to defiance from one of upset and consequences to one of understanding, calm, and listening to the underlying emotion. When we can do that, our kids feel seen, heard, felt, safe. And from there, we can gain their cooperation.  

Recently I heard a quote from a parent that went: "Once I dropped the parent role and focused on strengthening our relationship, everything got better."  That to me, is gold.  

What do kids need? A loving, accepting, guiding presence. This enables them to learn, follow, and emulate their parents' behavior, especially forgiveness.  

If you'd like more information on how parent coaching works, click here. I'd love to help you form that strong, healing bond with your children that reduces defiance, strengthens your relationship, and brings peace to your home. 

To read or listen to my book, click here: Present Moment Parenting; The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child

The Way You Parent Can Predict Outcomes for Your Child

Posted: August 9, 2019

Parenting Styles
Parenting styles can have an enormous effect on physical, emotional and relational outcomes for children.  Here are four styles of parenting and their outcomes:

1. Authoritarian parenting:  My way or the highway!  I  expect children to listen to me and react to what I request immediately, or very soon. I have strict rules and high expectations.  I see myself as their manager, and expect respect.  

Outcomes:  Low academic  performance, decreased self-esteem, poor social skills, mental illness, drug/alcohol abuse, and deliquency.  

2. Permissive parenting:  I am warm, responsive and I require few rules.  I indulge my children when they want something, and I am lenient with them when they break rules.  

Outcomes: Impulsivity, poor social skills, problematic relationships, and egocentric children.  

3.  Uninvolved parenting: I don't see a reason to connect with my children.  People call me cold and unresponsive.  I don't want to set up rules and expect my children to follow them.    

Outcomes:  Impulsivity, delinquency, alcohol/drug abuse, and suicide. 

4: Authoritative parenting:  I am warm and I listen to my children.  I respond to then, rather than just reacting. I support my children in whatever they're striving to accomplish, and I value their independence.  I have high expectations that are in line with my children's development, and I make my expectations clear.  

Outcomes: Higher academic performance, greater social skills, more self-esteem, less mental illness, less delinquency.  

Certainly, this is a broad overview, but it's helpful to know the general parenting themes and how they can affect children's lives.  Few parents use all one or another of these types, as we may vacillate between authoritative and authoritarian, or permissive to authoritative, from time to time.  You may recognize the ways your parents dealt with you, and be able to identify your own responses to the various styles.  Some quite resilient children can overcome their parents' styles, through having other adults in their lives who are supportive and responsive.  Many parents see their spouses or partners on this list and may have a desire to open a conversation about more cohesive parenting styles in your home.  We can help with that!  

The hope is that awareness of the types can create more peace in your home, and bring about the outcomes you truly want for your children.  For help with this or another parenting issue, for any age child, anywhere in the US or Canada, click here.  

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