Fortnite and Minecraft - Kids Hiding the Video Controller from You?

Posted: June 29, 2020

Recently a parent coach client said he "goes to the negative in his mind" when struggles erupt over screens with his kids. 

His son hid the TV remote from him, then Dad hit it from his son, and then they lost it altogether.  He's not alone in this struggle.

During these entirely confusing times of being mostly quarantined with kids, it's so easy to let the screens take precedence because YOU JUST HAVE TO GET STUFF DONE.

The problems arise when kids' brains become addicted to the screens. 

Make no mistake about it:

1. Children's brains are very malleable.  Addictions happen VERY easily, much faster and to a greater degree than in adults. 
2. The manufacturers of games and TV programming know this.  They make enormous money on kids' entertainment. 
3.  Kids often need to escape the grief and loneliness that come from being cooped up at or near home, not seeing their friends and relatives, not playing their regular sports, not attending camps, not being able to swim in a lot of places - they're missing a lot of what makes summer summer, and TV and video help them forget for a little while.  

Another truth is: Your job as a parent is to protect your children from harm.  Are TV and video games harmful?  If overused, yes. 

This is Your Child's Brain on Video Games - Psychology Today states:

Playing video games mimics the kinds of sensory assaults humans are programmed to associate with danger. When the brain senses danger, primitive survival mechanisms swiftly kick in to provide protection from harm. This response is instantaneous; it is hardwired in our genes and necessary for survival. Keep in mind that the threat does not have to be real — it only needs to be a perceived danger for the brain and body to react.

When this instinct gets triggered, our nervous system and hormones influence our state of arousal, jumping instantly to a state of hyperarousal — the fight-or-flight response. These feelings can be hard to shake off even after the provoking incident is over and the threat -- real or perceived -- is gone. 

In medical school, our instructors referred to this state as “running from the tiger,” since during ancient times humans protected themselves from predators by literally fighting or fleeing. Today, we still need this rapid stress response for emergency situations, and on a day-to-day basis mild stress reactions help us get things done. But for the most part, repeatedly enduring fight-or-flight responses when survival is not an issue does more harm than good. 

When the fight-or-flight state occurs too often, or too intensely, the brain and body have trouble regulating themselves back to a calm state, leading to a state of chronic stress. Chronic stress is also produced when there is a “mismatch” between fight-or-flight reactions and energy expenditure, as occurs with screen-time. Indeed, the build-up of energy is meant to be physically discharged to allow the nervous system to re-regulate. However, research suggests screen-time induces stress reactions even in children who exercise regularly.  (Emphasis mine.) 


Here's how to talk to your kids about this.  
1. Have a family meeting - it can be outside or inside. 
2. Remind your children that it's your job to keep them safe.  You've been doing it since you were aware of their presence.  List all the ways.  
3. Tell them that brains are body parts, just like arms, legs, eyes, hands and feet. 
4. Say you've also learned that brains can be hurt or damaged just like all the other body parts.  
5. "Sadly, one way they can be damaged is by too much exposure to screens. We all don't like hearing this, but it's true." 
6. "As parents we need to protect your brains.  We have no more choice about this than we do in insisting that you wear seatbelts, sports protection and bike helmets.  It's all the same safety responsibility parents carry for their kids."
7. "So we need to make sure your brains are safe, no question.  If there's too much video time, it can be really hard on your brain, the body part that runs the whole body."  Ask if they have questions.  Listen, reflect their questions, and answer calmly. 
8.  "Have you noticed that we have a lot of arguing about screen time in our home?  It's been no fun for anyone.  We've even gotten into big fights about it and this is not how we want to live in our family. We now know that the arguments come from the videos, as they make kids more aggressive. It also robs them of their real lives, which involve talking to each other, reading, artwork, playing outside, calling grandparents to check how they're doing, and contributing to the community remotely." Teen Girls Organize March for BLM
9.  "Now we need to make a plan to protect your brains by limiting the time each day that you play.  Yes, it's hard to hear and it's still necessary. You can't see your friends, and it's horrible, but we need a different solution.  How will you spend your time? Who has some suggestions?"  Ask them to make a list and refer them to it when the inevitable begging starts again.  No emotion.  
10.  Once you have come to a decision you can ALL live with, no more discussion on it.  If they bring it up, say, "We decided this and we are not going to talk about it any more." The kids think that if they beg enough, they will get their screens back.  DO NOT let this happen.  Hard as it is, stick to the decision you all made.  The return on investment is enormous, as the kids relax and stop asking once they realize you mean it.  They need to feel secure with you and ultimately, this makes them feel secure  

If you need help with automatically turning off devices, ask your Internet Service Provider for parental controls (also block unhealthy sites) and/or get the highest rated app for monitoring all devices from your phone: Qustodio.  
  
The dad I mentioned at the beginning of this blog entry used a lot of Reflective Listening: “You’re really upset.”  “You really want to watch TV. "  As a result he noticed that his efforts and that of his wife were having the effect of fewer and shorter upset times on the part of their son.  They also commented: "The creative moments happen when TV is out of the picture."  Taking the addictive substance out of the way allows the child to look elsewhere for activities.  Be steadfast, watch this happen, and enjoy your victory over screen addiction.  

If you need help with this or any other parenting issue, click here.

-Tina Feigal, MS, Ed., parent coach, trainer of coaches, speaker, author
Director of Family Engagement, Anu Family Services

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