Finding a better way to get positive behaviors by acknowledging the real reasons for them. "It Was Never Your Fault"
These are some of the most powerful words I use in coaching parents. "It was never your fault," carries a healing message to children that releases them from undeserved guilt. When children are free of guilt, they're learning, listening, and functioning well.When parents are also freed from guilt, they, too, learn, listen and function well. That's my aim, to help you, as a parent release guilt that you never deserved.
"How does that work?" you might wonder. I offer parents forgiveness because I truly believe you/they have always been doing what you knew how to do. When my kids were young, I made a lot of mistakes. If I'd had a parent coach back then, I would have loved guidance and forgiveness from a trusted professional. I think it would have made all the difference. Now that that ship has sailed, I feel privileged to be able to lead parents through Present Moment Parenting in a way I never was. I feel honored to say, "You did your best. It was never your fault when things didn't go well."
And for kids, it's the same. There's not a child in the world who doesn't want to be in close connection with their parents. After all, parents are their survival, so it makes sense that they would strive to maintain the bond. But their emotional state, undeveloped as it is, prevents them from making the bond stronger. They falter, they have meltdowns, they make their parents feel frustrated and angry.
As the adults, it's our job to realize they never intended this disruption in the closeness with us. They just lacked the brain development to control their outbursts, their refusals, and their nasty words. Once we realize that undeveloped brains is the issue, and not bratty, controlling, impossible kid, we're miles ahead of the game of healing the break between ourselves and our children.
So, what's the first step? Changing our automatic reaction to defiance from one of upset and consequences to one of understanding, calm, and listening to the underlying emotion. When we can do that, our kids feel seen, heard, felt, safe. And from there, we can gain their cooperation.
Recently I heard a quote from a parent that went: "Once I dropped the parent role and focused on strengthening our relationship, everything got better." That to me, is gold.
What do kids need? A loving, accepting, guiding presence. This enables them to learn, follow, and emulate their parents' behavior, especially forgiveness.
If you'd like more information on how parent coaching works, click here. I'd love to help you form that strong, healing bond with your children that reduces defiance, strengthens your relationship, and brings peace to your home.
To read or listen to my book, click here: Present Moment Parenting; The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child.
Now that School is in Session, How are YOU Doing?
Posted: October 7, 2020
I bet you hardly had time to even open the email to read this blog post and newsletter. The last thing I think you want is to read a long "helpful hints" article, so I'll cut to the chase.
1. Mindfulness can help relieve stress. You don't need to do much, except be aware of what you're feeling.
2. What you're feeling is not ever the problem. It's what you judge about the feeling that makes them feel big and hard.
3. Allow yourself to feel without judging the feeling as "good" or "bad." It's just a feeling and it will certainly pass.
4. Notice it, say hi to it. Welcome it because it has good information for you. Sink into it fully, which ironically, will help it pass.
5. Let its information be valuable to you. If you need to ask kindly for something that's not in your life, ask. If you need to walk outside, walk outside. If you need 3 minutes in your room alone, take 3 minutes. The world will not end if you do these things.
6. Be clear to those in your home that it's never selfish to be kind to yourself. It's the opposite of selfish. It's called self-care, and it couldn't be more vital.
7. Take as many "you" breaks as you need to regulate your feelings by listening to them, gathering information, and acting on them if you need to.
That's it.
I wish you peace of mind.
Tina
If you need help with this or any other parenting issue, click here.
1. Mindfulness can help relieve stress. You don't need to do much, except be aware of what you're feeling.
2. What you're feeling is not ever the problem. It's what you judge about the feeling that makes them feel big and hard.
3. Allow yourself to feel without judging the feeling as "good" or "bad." It's just a feeling and it will certainly pass.
4. Notice it, say hi to it. Welcome it because it has good information for you. Sink into it fully, which ironically, will help it pass.
5. Let its information be valuable to you. If you need to ask kindly for something that's not in your life, ask. If you need to walk outside, walk outside. If you need 3 minutes in your room alone, take 3 minutes. The world will not end if you do these things.
6. Be clear to those in your home that it's never selfish to be kind to yourself. It's the opposite of selfish. It's called self-care, and it couldn't be more vital.
7. Take as many "you" breaks as you need to regulate your feelings by listening to them, gathering information, and acting on them if you need to.
That's it.
I wish you peace of mind.
Tina
If you need help with this or any other parenting issue, click here.
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